The secret to a happy marriage and great sex

What does it mean to have a Christian marriage? To be a Christian wife? Or a Christian husband? Is there any difference between a normal marriage and a Christian marriage? Can you live together as Christians without being married i.e. is there such a thing as Christian co-habitors (“kristen samboere”)?

And what about sex? What does it mean to have Christian sex? Does that mean you only have sex on a Sunday, only use the missionary position, turn out the lights, and think about theology? Can we serve God even with our sexuality?

To understand marriage and sex, we need to understand two things, two fundamental truths about marriage:

The first thing you need to remember about your nagging, manipulative, argumentative wife is this: that she is made in the image of God. She may behave like a devil sometimes, but she is still someone made in the image of God. She belongs to Him, and should be treated like someone who is made in the image of God… just like you and just like me. We are of infinite worth because we are God’s creation, made to reflect him. Don’t forget that.

The second thing you need to remember about your beautiful incredible wonderful wife is: that she is a sinner. She may look like an angel, but she is depraved: sin runs through her like a virus. She does not seek God, does not love God… just like you and just like me. Your angel is still a member of the human race. She’s a sinner. And sinners sin. Don’t be surprised by that.

Open your Bibles to Genesis, the first book of the Bible, and chapter 1. While you’re doing that, let me just say that the same goes for husbands (image of God, sinners), but you ladies have already understood that. That’s why I use the male perspective because if I speak from the women’s perspective the guys will think “oh ,this is for the ladies” and stop listening! So, I’ll spell it out for us guys, and trust that you ladies will be perfectly fine.

Ge 1:26–27 Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.” 27 So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

So we are equal, both male and female created in the image of God. And that gives us great worth as human beings. Whether we are Downs syndrome, terminally ill, damaged in a car accident, have a mental illness - whether we are a woman or a man, black or white – we are all of great worth, of infinite worth. For we are all created in the image of God. We were created to reflect God!

What does this have to do with marriage and sex? The person you are with is made in the image of God. They bear his likeness. They reflect his glory. Be careful then how you treat them. They are not a toy to be played with. Or a game to be manipulated. Or a punching bag. Or something to be thrown away when you’ve finished using them.

Likewise, you too are made in the image of God. Aren’t you worth deep commitment?

This totally changes how we relate to each other every day. Every day you deal with God’s image bearer. Every day you bear God’s image.

Turn to 1 Corinthians, chapter 6.

1 Co 6:18–20 Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honour God with your body.

We are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. We are not just animals. The chorus of a popular song goes “Baby you and me we’re nothing but mammals, so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery channel”. Really? Is that it?

That’s what our society wants us to believe,. Sex is natural, yes, normal, yes, and without any moral structure apart from “do you feel like it?” No. We’re just evolved animals, and so we can behave like animals. (Actually I thought the point of evolution was to improve, not regress to a more primitive state…)

We have a dog. And she was recently on heat (løpetid) – when they are ready to mate. Her vagina swelled up to about four times the size, she produced a huge amount of sexual pheromones, and all the male dogs in the area were extremely interested in her. My sister’s dog, Rock, was suddenly very excited when she came near him. Normally he growls at her – but now Oooh. Then her heat was over…. And it’s back to Grrr.
Now, we’re not like that are we? That’s not how we’re made. We’re made in sex to become one flesh, one new person, a deep intimacy. We’re not like dogs, or we shouldn’t be like dogs, just see a vagina, mate, leave! Listen to Gen 2:24-25 This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 25 Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

The Bible has a high view of sex, a high view of the body, and a high view of our worth as people. That’s what God says about us. Shouldn’t we have the same view?

It is because we are not just animals that we get married. That we actually make a promise: an agreement to be united no matter what. To say that we are one flesh, not just two bodies slapping randomly together then drifting off to slap together with another body. It is saying “You matter. You are important.”

As Christians we have another, even higher reason, for marriage. It is found in Ephesians 5 where we are told that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. Your relationship should reflect that deep trust and submission and love and sacrifice and deep intimacy that we have with our Lord and Saviour. Women should love and treasure and submit to their husbands – that means respect the husband’s leadership - like the church loves, treasures, and submits to Christ.
In our society submission is a dirty word, often associated with abuse. But that is not the picture here. Here it is joyfully giving yourself to someone who you know loves you and wants the best for you. It is being vulnerable with another. Entrusting yourself to them. Marriage is vulnerability – opening yourself up to another. For the husband is called to give of himself completely to his wife, to give up his very life for her sake, just as Christ gave up his life for the church. And the wife is to trust the husband, placing her life in his hands, that he will love her like he should.

It is radical! So not Politically Correct. And so, so beautiful to see. A Christian marriage where the husband and wife honour and treasure each other. Where the wife submits to the husband and the husband submits to Christ by loving his wife and giving up himself for her. It is a stunning picture of Christ and the church. And it is beautiful.

And that’s why Christian sex is sex inside of marriage. There is no such thing as Christian sex outside of marriage. Because that is denying who we are. How can you join yourself together with someone you’re not joined together with? That’s closer to being masturbation – self-sex – than real sex, an intimate joining of a husband and wife.

But remember that marriage is simply coming together before the community and promising to be faithful to each other under God. And that’s it. It’s not a big white dress and decorations and all the other cultural things that go along with it.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with all that, but if that’s the reason you’ve put off getting married and you’re now living in sin... forget the culture, obey God, and we’ll all pull together and give a very special Rock Church wedding that will be just as valid in the eyes of God as the fanciest wedding i Nidaros Cathedral! Talk to me afterwards if you want to do that! J

Ok, so a high view of humanity and a high view of marriage. Is that the secret to a happy marriage? Well, it’s part of it, but no. Actually the secret to a happy marriage is... Jesus.
But I need to explain the problem with marriage first before we get to the solution.

2. Problem with marriage is sin

The most common reason given for divorce (or why people who’ve been living together and having sex with each other “break up” – which is pretty close to divorce given the implied commitment you’ve made) is “irreconcilable differences”. That is: we couldn’t get along. We just didn’t love each other any more. Like love is some ethereal feeling that floats through the air. Love, my friends, is a decision, not a feeling. Love is a decision, not a feeling – which is why Jesus can call us to love our enemies. That’s a decision.
So, if you’ve fallen out of love with your wife. If things have got so bad that you hate your wife, that she has become your enemy – well, you Christian, are called to... love her. Ouch.

Anyway, why do we get to this point when things “just fall apart”? Why do we start hurting the ones we love, and destroying our closest relationships?

It is sin. The root of sin is selfishness. And that is the root cause of all divorce and all break-ups. Someone is being selfish – most often, both people! Maybe one more than the other. But it’s selfishness. I’m not getting what I want out of you. You’re not meeting MY needs. You’re not doing what I want, behaving how I want, giving me the freedom to do what I want. It’s all me, me, me.

My kids like to film themselves with the cameras on our phones and tablet. Debby pointed out to me the other day when they watch themselves there is utter delight and admiration in their eyes. They’ll just be going boodeboo into the camera and they watch themselves like they’re giving an Oscar-worthy performance. They love themselves. They worship themselves. They are the centre of their universe. And we’re all the same. We just hide it better. How often in a conversation are you just waiting for the other person to shut up so that you can say YOUR much more interesting words.

We all are self-worshippers from the day that our mother Eve decided to disobey God and obey herself. She was going to decide, not God! She took God off the throne, and put herself on it.

But we’ve all dutifully followed in their footsteps. We swap out God for ourselves on the throne. And we will crush anyone who gets in the way of us getting what we want. That sin, that selfishness, infects everything about us, especially our relationships. Some of us close up, close off, so we don’t get hurt, and live parallel lives with our spouse. Living together, but apart, desperately lonely, but starting a new relationship is too much trouble so we stick with the old one. But marriage is one flesh, deep intimacy, Christ and the church. So how do we get that? How do we fix things?

Well, the thing that went wrong was that we swapped out God for ourselves. What we need to do is swap God back onto the throne. Then we have his power – his Spirit in us. Which will enable us to open up and be vulnerable because He loves us. We can forgive because he forgave us. We can stop sinning – well, stop sinning as much – because he has defeated sin and given us a new heart. We can’t do this. But Jesus can. That’s why he came.

3. The secret to a happy marriage is Jesus

Jesus solves the fundamental problem with marriage – and indeed selfishness. Because he, and he alone, can swap us out with God. That’s what he did on the Cross. He swapped places with us. He took our life, our sin, our selfishness – all that mess that kept us separated from God and gave us his life. His relationship with God. And as our relationship is fixed vertically, that fixes our broken horizontal relationships. If you want to fix your relationship with your wife you need to get right with God.

Why? Because he fixes our problem of selfishness. Let me illustrate. Each of us has a little score-keeper. A little man (or woman) inside, keeping track of all the times you’ve been nice or generous or given up your thing for your wife’s thing. And eventually, he wants payback. Look at this scorecard you say – you owe me. Unfortunately your wife also has a scorecard – and hers says that YOU owe her! You don’t see all the times when she’s put herself aside for you…
FIGHT! My score is the right score. What have you ever done for me? It’s not FAAAAAAAIR!
Do we ever grow older than three years old actually….?

Now, that’s what happens when you keep score against your wife. But as a Christian we are called to serve Christ and so love our wives. Your scorekeeper has to keep score against Jesus, not your wife. Instead of saying “I’ll do this for you because I love you” say “I’ll do this for you because I love Jesus”. That way when the scorekeeper demands payback – he demands it from Jesus! What have you ever done for me?! Oh right. Eternal salvation, reunited with God, taken all my sins. Sorry about that, I’ll just go right on being unselfish.

Jesus enables me to love my wife like I ought to. He is the key to a happy marriage. Not one filled with selfishness, but with self-sacrificial love.

Think through your relationship. Think where you need to give areas over to Jesus. Where you need to repent of keeping score. And then go to your wife, talk about it, apologise, repent.

Right, now how does all this affect sex? Just a few minutes to end on sex.

4. Good sex is not about technique but relationship

My wife and I have great sex. Nobody can beat our making love. No-one. Why? Because sex is about knowing and honouring the other person. However “skilled” you may be at self-centred sex – you can never come close to the intimacy, the joy, the sheer oneness of even clumsy honeymoon sex. The great thing is: that’s as bad as it gets. Honeymoon sex is the worst sex you’ll have. Because as time goes by you really get to know each other, also sexually. What you like and don’t like, you know the other person’s body, how they respond to certain things. And you’re both safe. You’re in your safe place with your safe person who you can be totally free with. Now that’s great sex. For 15 years we’ve been becoming experts in sexual pleasure, specialising in each other. That’s unbeatable.
No illicit affair, no one-night stand can ever get close to that. It’s like comparing a bag of smelly garbage to a gourmet meal – a perfectly cooked steak. That’s how far apart they are. Don’t be fooled, God is no killjoy, He invented sex. He wants us to enjoy it. But you can’t enjoy it any other way except his way. It just doesn’t work any other way.

We all know about the physical laws in the universe. Like gravity. You throw an apple in the air, an apple will come down again and go splat on the ground. And however much you want the apple to fly up into the air and go on flying upwards… it won’t.
In the same way God has designed moral laws into the universe. And however much you may want sexual pleasure to be found outside of sacrificial, Christ-honouring marriage – it won’t. It may fly for a little while like the apple, but all too soon… splat.

So sex is for marriage. Oh no. That means sex once a month with the lights off. No. If you’re married and you’re not having sex regularly – you need to repent (unless there’s some good medical reason – and then get that sorted out). We are commanded to have sex often.
1 Co 7:3–6 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations.

Sex binds us together, keeps us together. It also helps us sort out issues in our relationship because it’s hard to be intimate and vulnerable if there’s something between you. So regular sex keeps our relationship on track.

How often is often enough? Twice a day? That’s up to each of you, but remember that you are to fulfil the other’s sexual needs. Personally I think less than weekly is far too little. Again, talk together and honour Christ with your sexual relationship. As often as you are physically able. Basically we should be thinking as married couples how can we have more sex.

What can you do as a married couple? Well, that’s pretty much up to you and your imagination. We’re free to enjoy each others bodies sexually with our spouse as long as they are comfortable with it. Talk to your wife. Ask her what she would like to do sexually. Tell her what you would like to do. Try it out. If it works and you enjoy it, great. If one of you thinks NO! Then don’t do it. In other words, be a Christian in the bedroom. Gentle, loving, respectful, God-honouring.

I don’t think anal sex falls into that category as it is physically damaging – our bottoms are not designed for sex and the muscles get torn and damaged with anal sex.
Violence during sex is not appropriate either – is that honouring her in the image of God? Does that make you feel safe? No.
Inviting other people in to join you in sex is not on. This a joining together of a husband and wife into one flesh. There is no room for another person in that one flesh. This also includes sharing sexual or naked pictures or videos of you or your wife with other people. Do not take nude pictures and share them on the internet or with your friends. Remember that both of you belong to God are made in the image of God.

I’m going to end there. Feel free to ask questions afterward. I’ve only scratched the surface of this topic. If you have a personal matter to discuss you can discuss it privately with me. Believe me, I will not be shocked. I’ve been in ministry for a while, grown up in a ministry family, and have heard nearly everything. Rape, abortion, sex with loads of people, adultery, same sex attraction, people who aren’t having sex with their spouse, porn addicts, you get the idea.

Remember that you will not be judged. If you belong to Christ, your sins, past, present and future, are covered by His Grace. And if you don’t belong to Christ, none of that disqualifies you from receiving his grace. Go to Him, and be made new!

So. We are made in the image of God. Later tonight when you get undressed take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Look and say “I am made in the image of God.” “I am made in the image of God” and again “I am made in the image of God”. And if you are a Christian say “I belong to God. I am not my own, I belong to Jesus.” Every part of me – include my sexual bits. I belong to God. Father please help me honour you with my body.

If I’m married, have sex regularly. If I’m not married, honour God with my body, and don’t give my God’s image bearer to anyone else.