Colossians 3:12-4:6
How do we “live in community” together? What does a Christian community look like? What does it mean to be a Christian Dad or Mom? Or a Christian child? Or a Christian worker? Or a Christian boss? How do we relate to each other in the church? Our neighbours? Non-Christians? What about people of other faiths? Muslims? Hindus? Bahai? Christians who don’t know Christ (“churchians” or “religionists”)? Outsiders?
Last week we looked at the answer to some of those questions, particularly about relationships in the church: in vv13-15 we see that we are to make allowance for each others’ faults, be quick to forgive, live in peace – it’s pretty clear that the Lord is not fooled by outward appearance! He knows that there will be conflict. He knows that within the church people will upset each other and offend each other and step on each others’ toes. It’s not all fluffy bunnies and ice cream in the church! So instead of pretending that we’ll never sin against each other (ha!) we’re called to work hard at forgiving each other, making allowance for each others’ faults – basically being thick skinned, not getting easily offended, not looking for ways to cause problems – and to live in peace. Above all LOVE each other.
That’s hard. And that’s why we remember that we are in chapter 3, not chapter 1! How does chapter 3 begin? Since you have been raised to new life with Christ. It’s something that happened. The call to obedience in chapter 3 is because of chapter 1 and 2: we have been saved by God’s power, by God’s grace, alone. He is supreme. He holds us. He gives us his power and strength to serve him. Remember 1:11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He enables us to live as Christian people. He gives us his power, his strength to serve him.
And most of all, he gives us his love.
As I said two weeks ago, love can’t be faked. We must be given it by God. Our hard selfish hearts of stone need to be swapped out with hearts of flesh, hearts filled with the love of God. Because, you see, we are called to act like vv12-17 (in fact like ALL of chapter 3), not just for a couple of hours on a Sunday, and maybe the occasional special event where we all dress up nicely and put on our fake smiles, or pitch in for a dugnad and pretend to like it… but all the time.
All. The. Time. Every minute of every day, wherever you are, whatever you are doing: you are to be tender-hearted, full of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. And so on and so on and so on. The whole chapter!
All the time. Full of love. Full of truth. Full of peace.
“You demand the impossible”, we say to God!
And he replies “now, you’re starting to understand.”
The life of a Christian is impossible…without Christ. Without his Spirit, his power, his heart, we will fall short.
Think about it. Changing nappies – be like Christ. In church – be like Christ. When someone offends you – be like Christ. When your husband or wife wounds you deeply – be like Christ. When your kids are driving you crazy, pushing your buttons and making you MAD – be like Christ. When you’re at work, bored out of your mind – be like Christ.
17 And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.
We’ve looked at our relationships in the church, now Paul briefly turns his attention to our relationships outside the church: wife and husband, children and parents, (both of which we’ll look at today) then slave and master, and outsiders (which we’ll look at next week).
So, how are we to be like Christ at home: in our marriage, with our children and parents?
1. Wives and husbands v18-19
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.
What do you feel when you hear v18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.?
Anger? Approval? Fear? Dismissal?
But this is the word of God, isn’t it? Jesus commissioned his apostles to write his words, to tell people about him and to explain the fullness of his teaching, through his Holy Spirit. Paul was specially commissioned as the Apostle to the Gentiles. Peter speaks of Paul’s letters as Holy Scripture. And what’s written here is certainly not contrary to the created order in Genesis 1 and 2 which Jesus himself quoted as being the very Word of God.
So we cannot just dismiss what we don’t like. So let’s put our initial reaction aside, and examine this more closely.
What’s interesting with this list of wives/husbands, children/parents, slaves/masters is the equality of all. The husband and the wife are to obey the Lord. Masters and slaves are equally addressed, as are parent and children. Those without power (or with less power) (wives, children, slaves) are addressed as equal citizens of heaven, being called to live in a way that pleases the Lord. Those with power (husbands, parents, masters) are reminded that their power is given under God, to be used as HE sees fit: in love, for the good of those under your power. This is no justification for abuse of power – it is the opposite!
It’s very clear that these couplets are to be read together. There is no justification for someone quoting v18 without taking v19 – despite the fact that some have done that in the past to justify their bullying behaviour. Ironically, many “modern” women are doing that today to justify their rejection of God’s word. First of all, who are you to stand in judgement over God? How arrogant! Second of all, why do you not read v19?
In v18 God says, yes, wives, submit. Why? Because it is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Submission is fitting.
But what is submission? What’s interesting is that the word in the original Greek was not used to describe the marriage relationship in those days. Paul wasn’t just taking something from the old 1st Century culture and dressing it up a “Christian”. The word for submit here is something uniquely Christian, and has to do with order. We submit because it is the way that God has ordered creation.
The word is also very closely linked to humility. So the mark of a Christian wife is not pride and arrogance, but humility, a glad and willing servant heart. In other words, she is a wife…like Christ.
Likewise the “love” of the husband is not familial love or erotic love but the love of Christ, which is a self-sacrificial love. He is also called not to pride and self-sacrifice, but to deny himself and use his God-given authority for the good of his wife. In other words, he is a husband…like Christ.
Our society is interesting because we have no problem with v19. Of course, we say, husbands should love [their] wives and never treat them harshly. Everybody knows that!
Well, of course everybody knows that because we’ve had the Bible drummed into our heads and affecting our culture for over 1000 years here in Norway. Ask the women in Syria how they are being treated now. Islam gives women very little respect. They are not equal with men. And they are treated as such. The treatment of women in the Islamic world, particularly now under ISIS, is horrific. I was going to share some stories but I decided not to do so, as they were too disturbing.
In Hinduism, women and men are not equal. In traditional African religion the man is the head and the woman his servant, and he is the head for his own good pleasure, not for the good of others.
In feminism the woman is the head, for her own good pleasure. Any thought of serving her husband is ridiculous. It’s all about me, my needs, my wants being met.
Why, then is Christianity so different to every other religion or philosophy? Why the equality of men and women? Why does leadership and headship mean servanthood and selflessness instead of power and glorifying myself?
Because that’s what Jesus is like. Because our relationships are modelled on his.
In the Trinity, the Son lovingly submits (same word) to the Father, and wants to glorify him and magnify his name. The Father loves the Son, and wants to glorify him and magnify his name. There is an order there: the Son submits to the Father, the Father loves the Son. And our marriages are to reflect this. It is joyful voluntary submission, and joyful, servant-hearted headship.
This means, ladies, that if you do not respect your husband, if you are always bossing him about, if you are always pushing for your way to do things, if you are making decisions and controlling everything – you need to repent. You need to apologise to him. You need to say, please, take the lead. I have taken your place.
And husbands, you might need to do the same. Apologise to your wife because you’ve not loved her like you should. You have not taken responsibility for your marriage, for your relationship, for your wife. If you have a bad marriage, it is YOUR responsibility to fix it. It will be painful, it will be hard, it will involve a great deal of confessing sin, and putting yourself, your own interests and desires aside. You will need to spend time with your wife. You will need to talk about feelings, and emotions (!). You will need to listen to her and try to understand her. You will need to confess your sin to her. You will need to read the Bible with her and pray together. You need to watch over her life and show her her sin and help her repent (always easy!) – and listen to her when she points out your sin and repent of your sin (always easy!).
You need to look out for each other, seeking each others’ good, and always pointing each other back to the gospel, back to Christ. We are two sinners, but we will obey the Lord by his grace.
Husband, please lead like Christ. Wife, please submit like Christ. And then as people look at your marriage they will see the gospel pictured. Hey, there’s how Christ loves his church, there’s how the church responds to Christ.
If you want to know more, why not download or read the sermon on Ephesians 5:21-33 “Christ and the church”. And ask those of us with a bit more experience living as a Christian couple “how do you deal with this, or “do you have advice here” and so on. And watch us. And if what we’re doing seems to line up with the Bible, then do that! That’s part of the reason we are in a community together, so that we can show each other how to live. We learn from each other, from those a little further along the road. Oh that’s how to do it. I have learnt a great deal about being a husband and father from two good friends of mine, just by watching them with their wives and children. Seeing Christ at work in people is really helpful.
So, wives, respect your husband’s authority, and husbands, love your wives unselfishly.
2. Children and parents v19-21
20 Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.
What’s fascinating here is that Paul addresses children directly in his letter. Children? Why bother talking to children? Why give them a motivation for obedience? They must obey or be punished.
But, no, our Lord is the one who rebuked his disciples for treating the children as unworthy of coming to him. Children are people, people made in the image of God. And so they are given responsibility just like everyone else. They are to “obey their parents”.
Note the stronger word now. It is not submit, but obey. They are called to listen and obey. That’s what my Dad used to say to my sister and I “you will listen and you will obey”. How I hated those words. They struck right at the heart of my self-centredness and pride. And oh how those words are what I needed to hear. I’m so glad I had a Dad (and Mom!) who called me to OBEY. Because this “pleases the Lord” says v20.
Why? Because the family relationship reflects God’s relationship with us. He is our Father, and we are to obey him. It is much easier to understand our relationship with him if we’ve had a good earthly father who loved us, cared for us, and called us to obedience.
The modern “kids can raise themselves” philosophy is simply an excuse for laziness and uninvolvement. Kids don’t know what’s best. They are not little adults. Their understanding of the world is limited. They don’t understand the dangers in the world, in other people, and in themselves. Their mind, emotion and wills are immature. They need to be protected, nurtured, cared for. Given a safe environment to grow and be who they were created to be. That’s our job as parents. Not to stifle, not to ignore – but to inspire, guide, lead, show, and love.
That’s why v21 says , do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.
As parents we have the power to demand obedience from our children – and that for their good, not for our convenience. Our goal is to model Christ to them, and I think that’s part of the reason v21 says specifically fathers rather than parents. It reminds us that the role we are playing is the role of our Heavenly Father, God Himself. God “parents” us out of his deep love, doing what is best for us. He uses his power for our good. We are to do the same, and the greatest good is to point them to God. We show them that they are sinners who need the gospel of grace. We show them that we are sinners who need the gospel of grace. Debby and I make sure that we apologise to our children when we have sinned against them (maybe by losing our tempers, for example!) – and we call our sin, sin. And we say we need Jesus to forgive us. And when they argue and fight and do the things kids do – we call their sin, sin, and don’t make excuses for it but remind them that the Bible says their hearts are corrupt, so of course they will sin – don’t be surprised or despondent about it – but there is hope: God has made a way to be made right, through Jesus. In Christ we can ask for forgiveness and receive it. So we model both the seriousness of sin and the joy of forgiveness.
Children must obey their parents, for it pleases the Lord. It is part of their obedience to him. Fathers, do not discourage the children by aggravating them.
I think there’s another reason Paul says “fathers” here: it is to remind the father that as the head of the home he has the final responsibility for raising his children. It’s his job. He can’t just delegate to his wife and be done with it! He must be involved! Fathers, you model God to your kids – and he is not absent.
Again, if you want to know more or you got any questions – ask! We are a community. We do life together. And you can download the talk on Ephesians 6:1-4 called, simply “Fathers”.
20 Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.
17 And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.
As Christians we are not free to live how we please. We belong to the Lord. Our lives belong to the Lord. Our relationships belong to the Lord. And so we are to submit to our husband, for this is fitting. We are to love our wives and never treat them harshly. We are to obey our parents, for this pleases the Lord. And we are to parent our children like our Heavenly Father, with love, with deep involvement, and acting for their good, and always sharing the gospel.
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